This topic struck me while I was watching Roadies - Hell Down Under ; where Raghu discussed Live-In relationships with a contestant and its bugging me since then.
"A living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage."
The question is not whether Live-In relationships are morally right; but whether we are able to accept it or not ?
Firstly, we are no-ones to accept somebody else's relations; so I'd rather reframe it and say - whether we are able to respect such relationships and not frown upon them ?
Of the several people I discussed this topic with, all of them said "I dont object to it; but; I will not go in for such an arrangement". It leaves me confused. I have observed that when we see someone doing something unconventional we tend to change our perceptions towards them.
eg. If I leave my well paying job and join an NGO; people will either view me as crazy or will start admiring me. Similarly, if I start living-in with a guy, people might question my dignity. In both the cases, there is a change in my image in the minds of people.
So, I feel that saying "I wont do it; but I dont object if some-one else is doing " is somewhat hypocritical thing to do.You wont do something; because you have strong beliefs about it and in all cases object to it. We thus come back to the question - Are we ready to respect Live-In relationships ?
I personally am totally uncomfortable with the idea of Live-In relationships. I am not sure how would I react if a friend comes to me and says - "Hey! I have moved in with my girl-friend/boy-friend" ; I might appreciate it or I might totally shun it.
I wont say its family pressure or the fear of society or my cultural values. Yes these things do play a role in forming my opinion; but blaming things entirely on society or culture is not the answer. Would I have been fine; had I been in the US ? I would quote a friend here - " m indian by heart. bahar desh mein hoti to shayad chalta"
Many of us think that way. It doesnt work in India; but we would have happily done it; had it been US. Because there are no glaring eyes of the society and the culture is different.
I would still be uncomfortable living-in; even if there was no socio-cultural fear. And here is why -
1) Live-In is like a trial room in a Garment shop. I like the dress; I try it in the trial room; if it fits me I pay for it else I dump it at the rejected counter. I'l buy it only if it fits me perfectly; and if I dont find the right dress; Il certainly leave the shop empty-handed.
But there is a difference - The dress has no emotions. It doesnt feel hurt on being rejected; but a Live-In partner will. And life is easy when you are the customer; just imagine yourself being a dress.
Yes I feel insecure; of whether the relationship will work-out or not. Because if it doesnt; I would be like a defective piece of dress, which people buy during sale or may be considered not worth-it at all.
We all fear failure in our relationships and thats one reason why we shy away from Live-Ins.
2) I would quote another friend who says "Marriage brings with it a sense of security." The other says - "If something goes wrong in marriage ; you will try to make things work because of the kind of responsibilities associated with it. You have family to support you and help you sort out the differences. But Live-In there are no strings attached. You can walk out anytime. With marriage; you will think thousands of times before walking out".
I dont say there are no responsibilities or commitments in a Live-In. But yes there always a chance that you might not fulfill them because you are not bound to. So there is no charm and no challenge. You can always walk out of a marriage; but all those beautiful years of hard-work might just stop you and give it one last chance.
There is no scope of last chance in a Live-In.
3) In a Live-In; two people cohabit like a husband and wife. That is they are trying to test there compatibility mentally; emotionally and sexually.
Either you draw boundaries for yourself; that we will not cross the limits we have set for ourselves. But, by setting the limits you are questioning the very foundation of your relation - TRUST. You feel that someday there is a chance that the relation might break up. And if you are living in constant fear; it will ruin the relationship.Also by setting the limits; you are robbing the relation of its basic need.
If you dont draw boundaries, there is always a chance of unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, social stigma, regret and thus strain in the relationships.
People attach a lot of emotions when they get physically involved; which on the slightest discord in the relationship can have serious repercussions.
There are various other reasons like -
People wishing to marry one special person out of love and not out of testing him/her through this exam. They feel that no one is perfect so there is no point testing somebody; rather accept them with their flaws.
There are also legal-hassles involved in case of separation; which makes the break-up more bitter.
The children born in a live-in relationship are not considered illegitimate but there is a serious question over their future and emotional upbringing.
I will not say that Live-In relation is immoral but my instincts say its not advisable. Though I havent experienced living with somebody; and maybe there is a beautiful side to Live-In relationships that I havnt been able to explore. I do wish to see such a couple ; hear their experiences and be more open about this idea and let go off my insecurities.
P.S. : The Supreme Court has ruled that if a man and woman are involved in a live-in relationship for a long period, they will be treated as a married couple and their child would be called legitimate.
"A living arrangement in which an unmarried couple lives together in a long-term relationship that resembles a marriage."
The question is not whether Live-In relationships are morally right; but whether we are able to accept it or not ?
Firstly, we are no-ones to accept somebody else's relations; so I'd rather reframe it and say - whether we are able to respect such relationships and not frown upon them ?
Of the several people I discussed this topic with, all of them said "I dont object to it; but; I will not go in for such an arrangement". It leaves me confused. I have observed that when we see someone doing something unconventional we tend to change our perceptions towards them.
eg. If I leave my well paying job and join an NGO; people will either view me as crazy or will start admiring me. Similarly, if I start living-in with a guy, people might question my dignity. In both the cases, there is a change in my image in the minds of people.
So, I feel that saying "I wont do it; but I dont object if some-one else is doing " is somewhat hypocritical thing to do.You wont do something; because you have strong beliefs about it and in all cases object to it. We thus come back to the question - Are we ready to respect Live-In relationships ?
I personally am totally uncomfortable with the idea of Live-In relationships. I am not sure how would I react if a friend comes to me and says - "Hey! I have moved in with my girl-friend/boy-friend" ; I might appreciate it or I might totally shun it.
I wont say its family pressure or the fear of society or my cultural values. Yes these things do play a role in forming my opinion; but blaming things entirely on society or culture is not the answer. Would I have been fine; had I been in the US ? I would quote a friend here - " m indian by heart. bahar desh mein hoti to shayad chalta"
Many of us think that way. It doesnt work in India; but we would have happily done it; had it been US. Because there are no glaring eyes of the society and the culture is different.
I would still be uncomfortable living-in; even if there was no socio-cultural fear. And here is why -
1) Live-In is like a trial room in a Garment shop. I like the dress; I try it in the trial room; if it fits me I pay for it else I dump it at the rejected counter. I'l buy it only if it fits me perfectly; and if I dont find the right dress; Il certainly leave the shop empty-handed.
But there is a difference - The dress has no emotions. It doesnt feel hurt on being rejected; but a Live-In partner will. And life is easy when you are the customer; just imagine yourself being a dress.
Yes I feel insecure; of whether the relationship will work-out or not. Because if it doesnt; I would be like a defective piece of dress, which people buy during sale or may be considered not worth-it at all.
We all fear failure in our relationships and thats one reason why we shy away from Live-Ins.
2) I would quote another friend who says "Marriage brings with it a sense of security." The other says - "If something goes wrong in marriage ; you will try to make things work because of the kind of responsibilities associated with it. You have family to support you and help you sort out the differences. But Live-In there are no strings attached. You can walk out anytime. With marriage; you will think thousands of times before walking out".
I dont say there are no responsibilities or commitments in a Live-In. But yes there always a chance that you might not fulfill them because you are not bound to. So there is no charm and no challenge. You can always walk out of a marriage; but all those beautiful years of hard-work might just stop you and give it one last chance.
There is no scope of last chance in a Live-In.
3) In a Live-In; two people cohabit like a husband and wife. That is they are trying to test there compatibility mentally; emotionally and sexually.
Either you draw boundaries for yourself; that we will not cross the limits we have set for ourselves. But, by setting the limits you are questioning the very foundation of your relation - TRUST. You feel that someday there is a chance that the relation might break up. And if you are living in constant fear; it will ruin the relationship.Also by setting the limits; you are robbing the relation of its basic need.
If you dont draw boundaries, there is always a chance of unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, social stigma, regret and thus strain in the relationships.
People attach a lot of emotions when they get physically involved; which on the slightest discord in the relationship can have serious repercussions.
There are various other reasons like -
People wishing to marry one special person out of love and not out of testing him/her through this exam. They feel that no one is perfect so there is no point testing somebody; rather accept them with their flaws.
There are also legal-hassles involved in case of separation; which makes the break-up more bitter.
The children born in a live-in relationship are not considered illegitimate but there is a serious question over their future and emotional upbringing.
I will not say that Live-In relation is immoral but my instincts say its not advisable. Though I havent experienced living with somebody; and maybe there is a beautiful side to Live-In relationships that I havnt been able to explore. I do wish to see such a couple ; hear their experiences and be more open about this idea and let go off my insecurities.
P.S. : The Supreme Court has ruled that if a man and woman are involved in a live-in relationship for a long period, they will be treated as a married couple and their child would be called legitimate.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Speak your heart