Mummy...

Mother shares the relationship with child not from the time when she conceives it; but from the time she conceives the thought of being a MOTHER. The dictionary defines "mother" as a biological and/or social female parent of an offspring. How simple it is for these folks to say this.Its amazing how a mother bears the child for almost nine months; goes through about twelve hours of labour to bring a life in this world. Even in tremendous pain she has the courage to smile. I am sure the emotion(s) in child-birth must be divine.

Here follows my tribute to "MOTHER" - synonym of LOVE...

I wont say my mummy is the best mummy in world... because whosoever gets to read this post will say "NO!! My MOM is the best"... so here goes for all dear moms...

I was born in your dreams; when you wanted to fly high; to reach for the stars... but somewhere you couldn't owing to circumsatnces..owing to life...You dreamt that day; that my daughter will do it for me...You met PAPA and then you both shared the same dream...I was born...You called me VANDITA...actually it was my grandmother who christened me...another connection with a Mother... Vandita means adorable; the one who is worshipped...What a beautiful name to start my life. It wasnt just the umbilical cord that connected me to you. It were your dreams; your passions; your experiences; your style and everything that I could grasp when I was in your womb.

And I was born a shy child; who never troubled you. I sat around quietly watching you managing the home, and you would keep talking to me though you knew I wouldnt understand. You would wake me up, dress me up like a doll and then gaze in admiration at your own creation. Everytime I messed up my face you would come running and wipe it with the corner of your "SARI". Well to be frank I dont even use my handkerchief before washing my hands and your using sari to make me look tidy again makes me feel so special.I held your hand and learnt to walk and today I stand on my feet because you taught me how to.

Everyday you would wake me up for school with a kiss and hug. Each morning you would inspire me for a new start. You would labouriosly make "paranthas" for my lunch box and sometimes the "big burger" on demand while others just brought bread-butter. I used to feel so proud during the lunch break when my friends used to surround me to have at least a look. I dont remeber whether I used to share my food, but I remember you used to make two lunch boxes so that I could treat my friends with your delicacies.I would come back from school and you would take my bag from my shoulders upto home. Lunch had to be special and heavy... AHH "Mother's Love" they say... and when it had "tinda - tourai" I always wished that the market- price would shoot - up...I hated you when you forcefully fed me those GREEN VEGETABLES (Good for Health). You would help me do the home-work and relentlessly demanded that I improve my handwriting... SORRY Mummy its worse now :D

and when came the Exams you would sit-up nights with me; helping me with solving Math problems; cramming up social studies answers and bribing me with a toffee to stay awake for "JUST ONE " more question. You never wished me "ALL THE BEST" for exams but you would religiously put "RED TIKA" on my forehead and give me "Sweetened Curd (dahi cheeni :P)... and I would still say "Wish me LUCK"!! When I came back home you would eagerly take the question paper and say "AH!! You know the answer to this question" and "How? Did you answer this one". I thought as if I was giving a re-exam :D and then came the ugly part where-in you would say "80/100 you'l manage" and I would say "NO!! I am expecting at least 90". Here you taught me the lesson "To give your best in whatever you do; but expect Less in return"... I cant express how much I used to dislike you for underestimating me but somehow you would convince me ; how important it was... SO!! What was the actual score I used to get... sometimes it was way above jubilating 90 ... sometimes unexpected 85 and sometimes disappointing 80. But you had already prepared me for 80 so it never hurt me so much... and surprisingly the score never went below 80...

As I grew up and subjects changed you could no longer help me with studies but you made it a point to sit besides me; either peeling peas for next morning or weaving a sweater which was far from over since two years :D... You would give me coffee, an occasional toffee or a simple pat on back. It really helped mummy. And I fail to understantd how you manged to know the exact time when I needed all this. Here you taught me to CARE; to LOVE.

Now; when I came back from exam you would just ask how was it... If I said excellent you would say "OK! Prepare for next" and if it was the other way round you'd say "At least there should be one paper to bring down the percentage". And you know what I secretly used to mark myself just the way you would but my marking was never as accurate as yours. Many a times during exams I fell ill and thought of skipping the exam. You said " It doesnt matter to me if you fail; but it matters if you dont complete the job given to you". I have taken exams with 104F fever ; running nose and red eyes. You taught me professionalism here; though you yourself never went to work.

You would still walk with me till the bus-stop a kilometer away from home; and if we saw the bus from the far end; it was you who used to run faster than me to stop it ; that too in "SARI!!!" How you did it all still remains a puzzle to me. While coming back from school you refused to pick my heavy bag.I thought why had you changed; you always carried my bag when I was a kid. Now I have understood - You were teaching me to be independent.

You would keep a check on kind of clothes I wore; made sure I never let open my hair and you oiled them regularly.You would warn me to stay away from that girl or boy in school. I used to feel so stifled; that you were trying to control my life. But when I dint listen to you ; I came across harsh-realties of LIFE. You wanted me to be able to judge people I bring in my life. You wanted my life to be safe; secure and happy and you never let loose any ends. But you always gave me my share of independence. You would convince PAPA to let me go for a picnic; sometimes faught with him and ensured I attended the LAST LATE NIGHT PARTY in school. You would let me buy clothes that I thought were fashionable and you thoght were sensible. You always amazingly struck the right balance. You seemed to know it all.

Often I used to talk endlessly about my day; many a times repeating the same old stories. You always had the patience to listen to them; advice me when I needed it; laugh with me at jokes and console me when I felt low. All this used to happen in kitchen ; you were teaching me the importance of quality time; time management; importance of being a listener. You taught me how silence can be used to magically heal a person and yes sideways I learnt a lot of recipies. Now, you are proud of my cooking. :)

I stepped into college and you taught me some basics. You warned me against the evils. But I failed to follow a lot of things you said. I failed you mummy. I literally went down the drain. You again came to my rescue. You pulled me through it. Whenever I refused to go to college; you would push me out of the comforts of home and chide me to face the world. You taught me to fight for myself. You taught me to stand for my rights. You taught me to love and accept myself; to stand strong amidst adversities. Mummy !! with you by my side I conquered it all. I came back...back with a bang...I surprised everyone...It was a new me - Confident,Couargeous,Righteous and Strong.I had realised that "It's the family that stands by your side through thick and thin". " Its the parents who love their children; no matter how bad they are...what wrongs they have done... They are always there... Like forever". I now knew the difference between right and wrong. I now knew that it was my family who was my prime importance and others were just an illusion. I had fallen and risen again. Now; I believed in every word you spoke..every rule you set and followed it. From then I had stopped lying to you. No matter how uncomfortable I felt about the truth; I would come and confess it to you. We had become friends.

There have been times when we sat in morning and at 11 am you saw the clock and said; with your gossips my entire day has been wasted. I would have finished half the work by now :P . I still try to fit in your lap ; I still try to play horse - ride on you. When you are busy working I still throw water on you. I still toss the lemons and off they go and hit your head. I chatter endlessly with you. And now you share your secrets with me. You tell me what you hate and what you like. When I cry; you cry... When I laugh your eyes gleam... When I dance you love it... at least Il loose some weight :D You tell me your dreams; your fears... your childhood; your friends and your naughty days... It all happens between us and I love it.

We are frank with each other; but sometimes I laugh at your innocence.. One day it took me an hour to explain to you about GAYS and LESBIANS...and you failed to understand and shunned it saying " Nobody can go against nature's laws! Its not possible... Today's generation has made it as a way to seek publicity or maybe its kind of fashion". All my efforts went in vain :( But its OK! I know its tough for you to understand.

Its tougher for me to understand how you manage to do all the sacrifices for me... When I go for shopping; you say just one thing "If you like it; take it... No point leaving it". And when it comes to buying something for yourself ; you say "I am growing old; it wont suit me". When both of us know that the reason is the attached price-tag. When you go to astrologer ; you ask about all of us.. but you... When I ask "why? dint ask about yourself"; you smile and say "You are my future".
Mummy you are my best friend... I wish to achieve all your unfullfilled dreams. I want to accomplish the great heights you have always wanted me to scale. I wish to make you proud... so that you can say "That's my daughter".

I thank Nani for making you the person you are... soft and strong...practical yet emotional...stiff yet flexible... thanx for being PERFECT!!
I want to be a MOTHER one day and I wish to be your reflection...

References :
My Life

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Motherhttp://www.uq.edu.au/_School_Science_Lessons/UNBiol5.htmlhttp://health.discovery.com/centers/womens/daughter/daughter.html

The Man in My Life

Do you believe in LOVE at first sight... I DO!! He was the first man I saw... The way he looked at me... with all the dreams in his eyes... I instantly fell for Him...

The  first MAN I had ever loved is PAPA :)

He told me - " when I first held you in my arms I had tears in my eyes..." . I cant express how special I felt when he said these words to me... I have always looked for happiness outside; ignorant of the fact... I had all the happiness in the world with me :)

By the way PAPA is very handsome ; he looks like Raj Kapoor... oh my my ... He has  brown eyes; killer smile... innocence on his face.. and oh so cute look on his face... Most of my friends have said "Your Dad is so smart "... I bloat in Pride ... after all he is my pa... He looks too cool in that shimmering aqua blue shirt... clean shaved ... with the smell of park avenue filling the air... The royal King's walk... Mumma is so lucky... and I m sure I wont be half that lucky :(

There is something unique about him : Apart from all the good habits - like no smoking; no drinking; no non - veg... Papa has a tremendous faith in God and he doesnt hide it... Most of the guys I have come across; either dont believe in God ; and even if they do they are too shy to admit it... He hands over his entire salary to mumma.. I can bet no guys would do that...Men love to be in control... and even amazing is that ; he is still in so much control...

He is conservative in his own way -  staunch belief in traditions; stringent rules and strong values make my father... He has never compromised on quality of his life... this quality doesnt mean a lavish lifestyle... it means no compromise on honesty; loyalty; truth and faith... and he has given this to me as a legacy...

I have always thought of him as a difficult person ... but I have always been wrong in my way of interpreting him... though he isnt too supportive of my views ; of the way I think and do things... He feels I am rebellious , aggressive and too modern... BUT he has never tried to stop me... He is vocal about what he feels... but  he has LET ME BE ME...I have always felt that he wont allow me to this; he wont let me do that... and every time im in for a surprise... He has always given me what I wanted.. though he never showed it... Thanks PAPA... though we dont formally exchange thanks and sorry... but Im really lucky to have u as my father...

It makes my heart ache ; when I see you  sacrificing small things in life... just to make us happy.. just to make us successful... I have always seen you saying... he has a camry.. he lives in a posh location... he wears armani... BUT I HAVE THE BEST CHILDREN...its important for me to make my children successful... You have made us DREAM BIG... AIM BIG... and I wish to make your dreams come true...

You have shared your success... your mistakes... everything... so sportingly... and you have ensured that we learn from them... you have aimed for perfection ... be it my marks in Maths... or the way I give you a glass of water... You have always tried to make me a smart girl... (and maybe somewhere I have let you down... :( )

You have been  protective about me... and always worried whenever I step out of my house.... Whenever I get late... you keep standing in the balcony...constantly searching for me on the dusty road... You have scolded me for all the crap I do in my life... When I argue... we have world war in the house... and when I cry... you go in another room... and come after 5 minutes to see if I am ok...

Whenever I have been successful ...  you make it a point to tell every-one how proud you feel about me... and you constantly ask me to be consistent without complacence ...

During the worst times of my life... You have made it a point to sit besides me saying nothing... or asking me to fight it out ... with all that I have... To pray to God... to have faith... and to believe in myself...

You bought me a dictionary when I first topped in class 1... you gifted me a watch when I turned 16 and I still cant part with it... you gifted me PC when I did well in my exams... You have cried for me when I made your dream come true... Its inexplicable in words...  how a daughter feels... when he sees her dad cry with joy... and I must say I have had my best moments PAPA...You have celebrated my success more than me... Yet you have ensured that I remain modest...

Though there have been times of conflicts... with the difference of opinions and I know I have let you down... But I ensure you one thing... Come what may.. Il never compromise on my values... and one day Il make u proud... VERY PROUD...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAPA!!! may you have all the happiness in the world...
LOVE YOU :)

P.S. This was posted on 27 July; in my previous blog :)

You DON'T want to drive a MERC!

This is a conscious attempt to write a comparatively smaller post. Hope it works for me. The post focuses on materialistic nature of the human mind - if you aren't materialistic ; you can stop here :)


You DON'T want to Drive a Mercedes.


When the above line is not punctuated properly or the words are not properly stressed ; they can mean differently to different people.

Somewhere it Challenges you to not to sit back and try harder to own a Mercedes. But it doesn't end here. The question is : Even if you own a MERC; would you still want to DRIVE it. Please don't consider the painful traffic; your bad driving skills to answer the question. Its much more deeper than what it appears on the surface.

I remember ; in my school days - We the gang were on a drive ; incessantly chatting and suddenly a car rushed by... no not a car... THE CAR rushed by and all of us shouted ... AUDIIIIIII!!! My GOD! it felt something.

I have a fetish for big cars. Whenever I see a Black Merc going past; even a BLACK Camry will do... I am transported into a different world all - together. A MERC is completely seductive ... and now I know what people mean when they say - Its a huge TURN ON.  


Coming back to the question - Would I want to Drive a MERC? Certainly I would wish to own one ; but driving it would get a vehement NO!!!

Why ? Simply because ; certain things in life are meant just to be leisured. No matter how much de-stressing driving is for many people ; but nothing can give you a pleasure than riding a chauffeur driven Merc. These days I see a lot of Mercedes on road and I make it a point to see whether there is someone in there , apart from the person at a driving seat. And I love it when I see somebody happily reading a newspaper or working on his laptop; aloof from the world outside. He knows, everyone around has at least for once looked at him and envied him; and he enjoys it but still he pretends to be indifferent to the world outside. I wonder ; how it would feel to be there inside. Yeah ! I know the grass is greener on the other side ; its not so great in there and all that philosophy but I know for sure ; all of would want to be on the other side ; for once at least.

But! My mood completely changes when I see some-one driving it alone. May be he is the pilot of the monster or maybe he is the proud owner. It doesn't make any difference to me. I pity the guy there. I apologize for being too blunt here - But whats the point driving it all alone. Either you should have your girl-friend by your side to enjoy the lovely long drive. Or you should be at the back-seat enjoying the luxuries. MAN! you own it ; so enjoy it. Driving the other cars gives you pleasure; but when in MERC you would just want to stretch your legs or maybe sit pretty ; sipping a drink; talking to someone special over the phone or waiting to reach you destination , where jaws would drop when somebody pulls open the door for you and you step out elegantly.

I remember ; once being caught in a traffic and people were boiling owing to being stuck up. Suddenly there was honking; and when we looked back it was a Merc driver trying impatiently to make his way. One of the furious driver in the other car shouted - "Sa@!&y !! hai toh tu driver hi; Mercedes mei beith key taup samajh raha hai khud ko" . The honking stopped. I assume he wasn't a chauffeur since he wasn't dressed as one. Maybe he was the owner; maybe the driver but somewhere the onslaught must have pinched him.
When you drive a MERCEDES; your status is decided seeing where you sit. Such is this world. Maybe I am too materialistic by making such a statement ; but its the truth. I personally would prefer my BIG CAR to be driven by someone ( no matter how possessive I am about the beauty) else I am better off riding in my office bus. I get to learn life from there by watching the traffic move.


Somethings in LIFE are meant to be watched ; sitting back; sipping the strong coffee and enjoying the flow. One of them is a chauffeur driven Mercedes. There is something else I rate higher than this pleasure - Taking a long long walk with my beloved and watching the sunset. It means much more. You Bet! :)

F R E E D O M

Greeting the day with smiles
Spirit to trudge thousands of miles
Is FREEDOM to me…
To dance crazily and giggle
To get drenched in drizzle
Is FREEDOM to me…
To love without restraints
To live without constraints
Is FREEDOM to me…

To DREAM to reach the sky
and Muster up courage to fly high
Is FREEDOM to me…

To make my voice heard
To define my own path and not follow the herd
Is FREEDOM to me…
To educate the child begging on road
To wipe the sweat of old man carrying the load
Is FREEDOM to me…
To see women walk without fear of being raped be it day or night
To see people sleep without fright
Is FREEDOM to me…

To get my work done without bribing the clerk
To see people succeed deservingly and not bcz they were born in reserved category by luck
Is FREEDOM to me…


To spend as I wish without worrying about inflation
To see politicians in news for fighting for right and not for charges of corruption
Is FREEDOM to me…
To celebrate Independence Day with aplomb
And not to be frisked in fear of a terrorist BOMB
Is FREEDOM to me…

Conceptually LOVE

My notion of LOVE changes day in and day out. At times I feel I could write a thesis on it and then sometimes I sit confused; with my thoughts wandering.

class emotions

{

  private :

   Person p;

  public :

    emotions();

   

    intensity anger ( reason, 

                            source,

                            circumstance);

    

    intensity happiness ( reason,

                                  source,

                                 circumstance);

    

   intensity grief ( reason,

                          source,

                          circumstance);

    .

    .

    .

    virtual void love( void ) =0;

   

    ~emotions();

};

class event1 : public emotions { ... };

class event2 : public emotions { ... };

class event3 : public emotions { ... };

class event4 : public emotions { ... };

If u have a class of Emotions; and functions like anger(), happiness() , grief() etc. operating on a Person with a return type Intensity of the emotion; its only Love() that cannot be defined.

For each type of emotion we always have reason, source and circumstances. Depending on all above factors; intensity of an emotion can be calculated and interpreted.

But for LOVE it takes nothing to be in it and nothing to be out of it. It takes a void and returns a void.

For every class of events in life that derives emotion each has its own implementation of LOVE. LOVE is so universal and yet so unique.

Sometimes I feel; Love is effortless. Like it doesn't take any effort to breathe ; itdoesn't take any effort to be in LOVE either. Yet both are so vital to our existence. I am in LOVE constantly and consistently. 

I fell in LOVE by virtue of touch when I was in mamma's womb. It was LOVE at first sight when I saw my dad. It was LOVE through sharing when my brother entered this world. And this LOVE continues to grow exponentially till the object of my class gets destroyed. ( or maybe there will be a LOVE LEAK; as my folks will continue to feel my LOVE for them; even though I no longer exist.)

I am in LOVE with food because I don't seem to get bored of it and also because I need it. Like food, LOVE is crucial for my existence. LOVE is like memory-allocation; something you always need to exist.

LOVE for my family has a static storage. It exists till my life's program exists. 

LOVE for my friends is like a function call. As soon as I meet them; an activation record gets created and LOVE is like a variable created on that stack. Not that after the function returns ; LOVE evaporates. But during the course of time; as the function call gets over and we call new functions ; that LOVE for friends seems to fade away. But I know for sure that I can call that function every time.

 Romantic LOVE in my life is like memory allocated on heap. It wont get destroyed unless I specifically delete it. If I forget to delete it; it might become a source of major bug in my life.

But all things about LOVE cant be explained technically. Had it been possible; all of us would have polished our concepts and mastered it.

There is no Mr. Perfect

...

A knight in the shining armor... riding on the swift white horse... rescuing her of all distress...

He lifts her with his arm with such ease ... a peck on her cheeks red ; with fear ... their eyes meet and they ride into the horizon of happily ever after...

Since I was a kid; I would dream of a picturesque location; dressed in white... hair falling across my face... eyes searching for someone; in the vast loneliness stretched across... and there would emerge a knight who would take me to my dreamland...

I had this definition of PERFECT etched clearly in my mind. A story I used to see unfold every-night in my dreams; and with every dream; there was perfection.

To each girl I talked ; there was this definition of Perfect someone... We all wanted our MAN to be athletic built, well chiseled – Greek God. Deep intense eyes; dark and tall... Adventurous; fun loving; witty; humorous; romantic; loyal; protective; possessive and secure at the same time; very rich; extremely successful. The one who knew how to cook and also fix the geyser. And as years passed by; the definition of Perfect saw more additions; more demands ... but Mr. Perfect was nowhere in sight. There was no white horse and there was no sturdy knight; no breath taking locations.

And then the dreams came crashing down... the only thing that stayed in place was "the girl with her hair falling on her face and in distress"

Suddenly there was this realization - "Even I was not; what I saw in my dreams..."

Running behind perfection; she had spoilt her White dress and it wore the color of mud.

I realized then; if running behind perfection I dint stay perfect... then it was quite possible my Mr. Perfect could also have stumbled somewhere.

I tried to clean my white dress; though it dint come out as white as ARIAL and TIDE promised me; but there was this beautiful color to my dress. I called it the color of experience. I decided to decorate my not so white dress; with colors of experiences all around. With some tit bits added; retaining the originality of my dress I stepped out again. Not in search for Mr. Perfect; but in search of that essence that would complete my love story.

Did my knight have to be athletic?

NO

He was to be capable enough to lift me off my distress.

Did he have to come on a white horse?

Na'ah I don’t need a Mercedes; I need a man to walk me home...

And what about the shining armor?

His armor didn’t need to shine; but he should have the character; the dignity that is un-tattered. If there was dust on his armor; it was a proof he had fought his battles bravely.

Did he need to rescue me?

Ne'aah.. I better rescue myself from the clutches of dreams that were snatching away the beauty of life from me.

I wanted to open my eyes to him.

I need a look that appreciate me as a person; and not judge me for my imperfections. I need a Greek God as ugly as I am and as beautiful I deserve. Dark or fair complexion dint matter to me anymore; what mattered to me was the brightness he would bring to my life. He would be as loyal to me; as I would be to him.

Romance no longer meant to be by the hill side; in a cottage; with lots of chit chat. It now meant hand in hand; with fingers the talking and teasing and both of us dreaming the same dream. Adventure, fun and humor come of age and spark within us...

Wit was a matter of thought process and a man of experience would be high on wits; I hoped.

Success; riches; fame is like a one night stand. You hook up; you enjoy yourself and when you have screwed everything; its goodbyes.

I started looking not for Mr. Perfect but a perfect relationship - which comprised of our imperfections.

...

And one day; walking on a road; we just bumped into each other... Yes our eyes did meet... there was this spark; which we could sense was PERFECT...

He held me across my waist; a peck on my cheeks as I blushed and he rode me to the horizon of happily ever after...

I had found my Mr. PERFECT :)

Walking down the aisle . . .

Walking down the aisle

It was the smell she loved; the color she adored. She always wanted the air to be filled with this smell; her hands tattooed with her love's name. And now it was all happening.

The lyrical, musical folk songs; the sound of dholak ; the fragrance of heena; the family jokes; the snacks that continued to take rounds; her friends teasing her. Tomorrow she would be a married woman. Tomorrow she would no longer be the girl who danced around in every room; laugh hysterically; jump on papa’s lap; wipe her hands off mom’s sari. Tomorrow she would be a woman; someone’s wife who would dance to the tunes of responsibilities; her lap would be ready to nurture another life and her sari would be a symbol of her maturity.

She was excited at this change; but at the back of her mind was the fear. Fear of whether she would be able to do what is expected of her. She was scared to step into a life that expected her to play a role of a motivator; a supporter and a nurturer. She was so used to playing this kid; who threw tantrums and made sure her demands were met. She howled like a baby when she needed assurance that things will be fine. She would boss around on her kid brother and make those faces to emotionally blackmail papa. Her funny dances and constant chit-chat would make mamma’s day.

And now all this would be gone; in a matter of few hours…

Now she would have to give into demands; she could no longer order for things to work her own way. She could not cry anymore and show she was upset. No emotional blackmails would be appreciated; for now it was her duty to take care of her family. She could no longer chatter and dance; as a lady is expected to be graceful.

Suddenly mumma shook her out of thoughts. Your mehndi is still wet – “Come! I’ll feed you”. Mumma fed her the bites; which she couldn’t swallow as her throat choked. She knew it was the last time she was being treated like a baby. Papa came and tied her hair at the back; as it was falling into her eyes. She remembered the days when mumma won’t be around; and papa would dress her up for school with the hair plait never in place. All those memories were coming back to her. They both looked at her and smiled. Papa asked “Are you tired? Shall I bring you the cushion?”

“I am fine pa.. You sit and relax”

“NO! I have to take care of guests… You go to bed as soon as the mehndi dries up. You need some rest.”

And he was gone. She could distinctly remember; how she would say no, when papa used to ask her to bring pillows because she was too lazy to get up.

“Bhowwww!!!”

“Huhhhh- you scared me bhai. What are you up to”?

He laughed like a devil and was gone. He would always used to scare her when they walked on roads. He knew how even the mention of dogs frightened her. He would pull her hair and run away; throw water on her when she tried to chase him.

They never grew up and still fought like cats and dogs. Hers was a heavy heart. They could no longer fight.

Suddenly; she realized mumma has stopped feeding her. She was singing along with others; celebrating. There were times mumma used to shout at her –

“Entire life I have cooked for you. Will there be one day when you will cook for me?”

To which she would promptly responded – “Why, Do I need to cook; when you are there.”

Tears blurred her eyes; but she held them back. After all; tomorrow would be the happiest day of her life. She would marry the one she loved. She knew he loved her enough to keep her happy all through her life.

Everyone had gone to sleep; dreaming of the tiring day ahead. She lay besides her papa with mom on the other side of the room. She rolled on either side to catch up with some sleep. She couldn’t.

She messaged her beloved – “I am going to miss my home.”

He replied – “I’ll bring you to them whenever you want. Don’t worry J I Love You.”

She thought she was so selfish to leave her family; who has loved her since twenty-five years; for one person whom she barely knew for a few months. How could she do this?

What if she wouldn’t be happy? What if she couldn’t fulfill her responsibilities? She would bring a bad name to her family; people would question her upbringing.

A chill ran down her spine. She cried; burying her face in the pillow. It was the same pillow she used to cry on during her tough times. “You’ll leave me too” – said the pillow with tears on it.

She was leaving everything. All those memories; the care; the love; the scolding; the tantrums; the fights; the hugs…

“This isn’t right. I won’t marry. I know; if I say no; they will get angry but they will understand and accept me. They won’t force me.” Tomorrow first thing in the morning; I’ll talk to mom and tell her I am not ready. I am sure she will understand.

And she dint know when she dozed off.

She woke up to her mom’s shrieks. “Get up! It’s already 10”.

She smiled; “Oh! She was dreaming. It wasn’t true at all.”

She kept staring at the ceiling.

And suddenly she heard papa say – “Come on! Get ready for the puja”

And off she went to freshen up and realize; that today was her wedding day. The day she had waited for all these years.

Or is it not?

She rushed to her mom to say what she had decided; but was taken to the room where puja was being held. She sat down and the ceremonies started. She couldn’t speak; all this while. She silently watched the proceedings.

She was then loaded with the “chooda”. A symbol of luck for married women. All the ladies in her house put some turmeric and oil for good luck and glowing skin. All her life; she saw this happening to others and now it was happening to her. Everyone tied “kalierei” that crinkled as she moved. She was surrounded with relatives and her mom went off to do last minute packing. She rushed to papa. “Beta! Go eat something and take some rest. Today is going to be hectic.” And he too was gone.

She sat amongst her cousins; who teased her and she smiled; with her heart heavy inside. She went off to sleep to be relaxed. She thought “Maybe, it’s the right thing to get married. Maybe I am too scared. Maybe I’ll be fine”

Drrrnnnnnnnnnnngg dhaaannn dhnnnn

Some utensils fell in the other room that woke her from her sleep. She felt tired and worn out. And again all those thoughts of fear; pain came rushing back to her. “I should to talk to him. He will understand”.

She called her fiancé. He dint take her call. “Huhhh!! Everytime he is sleeping.”

Suddenly Bhai came “Get ready fast. I’ll take you to the parlor. You girls...Why do you need 3 hours to get ready. In any case you will like a bhoot”. She smiled at him. Every time she used to get irritated with his remarks and now she was enjoying what he said.

Mumma gave her; her dress for the evening and some milk. She remembered the days when mom used to give her bag and milk every day she left for school/college/office. Mumma did that religiously and today was the last time she was doing this. She hugged her mom; she kissed her and she stepped out of her home for the last time as a child.

The parlor was full with saris; makeup; workers and all her girl-friends and relatives. There was so much frenzy around and she stayed calm. She was numb by now. She dint feel sad; neither did she feel elated. She just let the things be. She changed into her lehenga and sat down for make-up. “Owwwwww! How much I hate this...” – thought she.

She listened to songs playing on FM. “chora babul ka angna bhaave dera pia ka… sasural genda phool”.

She closed her eyes and left everything to God and the beautician.

As she opened her eyes; she was mesmerized. She never thought she could look so beautiful. Now she understood; what made her fiancé propose to her. She stood up to drape the duppata and as soon as they placed it on her hand; her neck stooped. It was placed perfectly on her and every-one complemented; on how beautiful she looked. She understood; no matter how beautiful she was, she was incomplete without responsibility – her dupatta said it all.

Her bhai came to pick her up. As they were stuck up in traffic; there were frantic calls from the venue; baraat had arrived. Every-one panicked. But she was relaxed. Wedding won’t be over without her she thought mischievously. She was enjoying that the groom had to wait.

As she walked towards the wedding venue; for the last time her heart said – “You can still stop this.”

Suddenly the photographers started clicking and she flashed back to reality. They asked her to move slowly. “Good for me… The later the better.”

She was enjoying all the attention. Inside, her fear was killing her; but she smiled bravely. With each step forward she knew her childhood was going. Mumma, Papa, Bhai all would be another family with each little step.

Now she could see him… The one for whom she would leave her world. He was smiling at her. He looked at her; intently. That gaze melted her. She kept looking at him and he continued to admire her.

With each step forward; she was moving into a new life. A life that he had promised. All the promises to keep her happy; to fulfill all her dreams; to love her even when she had wrinkles; to treat her like a kid; to let her dance and dance with her; to enjoy eating with her; to take her back to her parents when she wanted.. To let her do what she wanted to; to embrace her; to treat her like queen …

All of them floated in front of her eyes... She could see her dream coming true. As she walked down the aisle; she saw papa waiving at her; mumma smiling and bhai carrying the sheet of flowers over her head. She knew they were happy and that she was going to her home.

She looked at him again and now confidently walked towards him. His eyes pulled her towards him; into the new world. As she reached the dais; he offered her hand to help her on stage.

As soon as she held his hand; all her fears were gone… She wanted to marry him and she knew she had lost nothing…

Her journey had just begun J

An Ode to 2009 and A warm welcome to 2010

2009 is gone... and gone are the toughest and the most sweetest days of my life so far...

A few lessons the year taught me

1. Tough times never last; tough people do.

2. Expect the unexpected.

3. Life is stranger than fiction.

4. What has to go up has to come down and what has gone down shall come up. Stay grounded in your attitude.

5. Adversities test your strength ; you may fall weak but if you have the will to get up again; things will just be fine.

6. Every experience - painful or beautiful will teach you something for the experience ahead.

7. Never plan; it will never work.

8. Believe.

9. Be patient.

10. Even if things are not working your way; dont lose faith in God. He is working for you. You have the right to get angry with HIM but dont shun HIM.

11. Learn, relearn and Unlearn.

12. In your best of times; people will cling on you; praise you; love you; admire you. In your worst of times there will be brickbats; accusations ; hate ; mockery. It will affect you; kill your confidence but - Fight. Stand for yourself.

13. Dreams come true; but only at the right time.

14. Relax and enjoy life.

15. Do what you think is Right. There is no point in what other people will think; fingers will be pointed anyhow.

16. Trust your instincts.

17. Give your best to whatever you have and Life will give its best to you.

18. Its OK to give up sometimes. Some dreams are injurious to LIFE. The sooner you accept the better for you.

19. Give up on Dreams but never Give up on LIFE.

20. Happiness is there at the most unexpected places ; keep your heart open and embrace it.

2009 took away from me my confidence; my zest to live; my dreams and the charm in me.

It gave me the most important lessons of my life. It taught me to Let Go for my betterment. It taught me that nothing at all is more important than LOVE and Self Respect. It taught me not to be judgemental but still be able to judge what's important and what can be left. 

It taught me that its not just important to Love and give your best but its also important to be able to decide; who deserves your affection. 

God has a beautiful plan for each one of us; so its better that we STOP interfering in God's work and make the best out of what's given to us. There is a Key to every Lock.. if you push the Key in wrong Lock it will break. Be patient and wait for the Right match :) 

God will set the stage himself and you will be amazed of his creative excellence as a director ;)

I met Life while trudging a long, tiring and painful path. Today the path I walk; has Life as my companion... and we are in Love with each other :)

Thank You 2009.

With the wishes of everyone's wellness and joy...

With the Hope in my heart that I'l stay happy

With the will to make things work for the ones who love me

With firm beliefs in my values

With my eyes set on a wondeful journey that I am about to begin...

I welcome you 2010... May you give me all that I have hoped for :)