Walking down the aisle . . .

Walking down the aisle

It was the smell she loved; the color she adored. She always wanted the air to be filled with this smell; her hands tattooed with her love's name. And now it was all happening.

The lyrical, musical folk songs; the sound of dholak ; the fragrance of heena; the family jokes; the snacks that continued to take rounds; her friends teasing her. Tomorrow she would be a married woman. Tomorrow she would no longer be the girl who danced around in every room; laugh hysterically; jump on papa’s lap; wipe her hands off mom’s sari. Tomorrow she would be a woman; someone’s wife who would dance to the tunes of responsibilities; her lap would be ready to nurture another life and her sari would be a symbol of her maturity.

She was excited at this change; but at the back of her mind was the fear. Fear of whether she would be able to do what is expected of her. She was scared to step into a life that expected her to play a role of a motivator; a supporter and a nurturer. She was so used to playing this kid; who threw tantrums and made sure her demands were met. She howled like a baby when she needed assurance that things will be fine. She would boss around on her kid brother and make those faces to emotionally blackmail papa. Her funny dances and constant chit-chat would make mamma’s day.

And now all this would be gone; in a matter of few hours…

Now she would have to give into demands; she could no longer order for things to work her own way. She could not cry anymore and show she was upset. No emotional blackmails would be appreciated; for now it was her duty to take care of her family. She could no longer chatter and dance; as a lady is expected to be graceful.

Suddenly mumma shook her out of thoughts. Your mehndi is still wet – “Come! I’ll feed you”. Mumma fed her the bites; which she couldn’t swallow as her throat choked. She knew it was the last time she was being treated like a baby. Papa came and tied her hair at the back; as it was falling into her eyes. She remembered the days when mumma won’t be around; and papa would dress her up for school with the hair plait never in place. All those memories were coming back to her. They both looked at her and smiled. Papa asked “Are you tired? Shall I bring you the cushion?”

“I am fine pa.. You sit and relax”

“NO! I have to take care of guests… You go to bed as soon as the mehndi dries up. You need some rest.”

And he was gone. She could distinctly remember; how she would say no, when papa used to ask her to bring pillows because she was too lazy to get up.

“Bhowwww!!!”

“Huhhhh- you scared me bhai. What are you up to”?

He laughed like a devil and was gone. He would always used to scare her when they walked on roads. He knew how even the mention of dogs frightened her. He would pull her hair and run away; throw water on her when she tried to chase him.

They never grew up and still fought like cats and dogs. Hers was a heavy heart. They could no longer fight.

Suddenly; she realized mumma has stopped feeding her. She was singing along with others; celebrating. There were times mumma used to shout at her –

“Entire life I have cooked for you. Will there be one day when you will cook for me?”

To which she would promptly responded – “Why, Do I need to cook; when you are there.”

Tears blurred her eyes; but she held them back. After all; tomorrow would be the happiest day of her life. She would marry the one she loved. She knew he loved her enough to keep her happy all through her life.

Everyone had gone to sleep; dreaming of the tiring day ahead. She lay besides her papa with mom on the other side of the room. She rolled on either side to catch up with some sleep. She couldn’t.

She messaged her beloved – “I am going to miss my home.”

He replied – “I’ll bring you to them whenever you want. Don’t worry J I Love You.”

She thought she was so selfish to leave her family; who has loved her since twenty-five years; for one person whom she barely knew for a few months. How could she do this?

What if she wouldn’t be happy? What if she couldn’t fulfill her responsibilities? She would bring a bad name to her family; people would question her upbringing.

A chill ran down her spine. She cried; burying her face in the pillow. It was the same pillow she used to cry on during her tough times. “You’ll leave me too” – said the pillow with tears on it.

She was leaving everything. All those memories; the care; the love; the scolding; the tantrums; the fights; the hugs…

“This isn’t right. I won’t marry. I know; if I say no; they will get angry but they will understand and accept me. They won’t force me.” Tomorrow first thing in the morning; I’ll talk to mom and tell her I am not ready. I am sure she will understand.

And she dint know when she dozed off.

She woke up to her mom’s shrieks. “Get up! It’s already 10”.

She smiled; “Oh! She was dreaming. It wasn’t true at all.”

She kept staring at the ceiling.

And suddenly she heard papa say – “Come on! Get ready for the puja”

And off she went to freshen up and realize; that today was her wedding day. The day she had waited for all these years.

Or is it not?

She rushed to her mom to say what she had decided; but was taken to the room where puja was being held. She sat down and the ceremonies started. She couldn’t speak; all this while. She silently watched the proceedings.

She was then loaded with the “chooda”. A symbol of luck for married women. All the ladies in her house put some turmeric and oil for good luck and glowing skin. All her life; she saw this happening to others and now it was happening to her. Everyone tied “kalierei” that crinkled as she moved. She was surrounded with relatives and her mom went off to do last minute packing. She rushed to papa. “Beta! Go eat something and take some rest. Today is going to be hectic.” And he too was gone.

She sat amongst her cousins; who teased her and she smiled; with her heart heavy inside. She went off to sleep to be relaxed. She thought “Maybe, it’s the right thing to get married. Maybe I am too scared. Maybe I’ll be fine”

Drrrnnnnnnnnnnngg dhaaannn dhnnnn

Some utensils fell in the other room that woke her from her sleep. She felt tired and worn out. And again all those thoughts of fear; pain came rushing back to her. “I should to talk to him. He will understand”.

She called her fiancé. He dint take her call. “Huhhh!! Everytime he is sleeping.”

Suddenly Bhai came “Get ready fast. I’ll take you to the parlor. You girls...Why do you need 3 hours to get ready. In any case you will like a bhoot”. She smiled at him. Every time she used to get irritated with his remarks and now she was enjoying what he said.

Mumma gave her; her dress for the evening and some milk. She remembered the days when mom used to give her bag and milk every day she left for school/college/office. Mumma did that religiously and today was the last time she was doing this. She hugged her mom; she kissed her and she stepped out of her home for the last time as a child.

The parlor was full with saris; makeup; workers and all her girl-friends and relatives. There was so much frenzy around and she stayed calm. She was numb by now. She dint feel sad; neither did she feel elated. She just let the things be. She changed into her lehenga and sat down for make-up. “Owwwwww! How much I hate this...” – thought she.

She listened to songs playing on FM. “chora babul ka angna bhaave dera pia ka… sasural genda phool”.

She closed her eyes and left everything to God and the beautician.

As she opened her eyes; she was mesmerized. She never thought she could look so beautiful. Now she understood; what made her fiancé propose to her. She stood up to drape the duppata and as soon as they placed it on her hand; her neck stooped. It was placed perfectly on her and every-one complemented; on how beautiful she looked. She understood; no matter how beautiful she was, she was incomplete without responsibility – her dupatta said it all.

Her bhai came to pick her up. As they were stuck up in traffic; there were frantic calls from the venue; baraat had arrived. Every-one panicked. But she was relaxed. Wedding won’t be over without her she thought mischievously. She was enjoying that the groom had to wait.

As she walked towards the wedding venue; for the last time her heart said – “You can still stop this.”

Suddenly the photographers started clicking and she flashed back to reality. They asked her to move slowly. “Good for me… The later the better.”

She was enjoying all the attention. Inside, her fear was killing her; but she smiled bravely. With each step forward she knew her childhood was going. Mumma, Papa, Bhai all would be another family with each little step.

Now she could see him… The one for whom she would leave her world. He was smiling at her. He looked at her; intently. That gaze melted her. She kept looking at him and he continued to admire her.

With each step forward; she was moving into a new life. A life that he had promised. All the promises to keep her happy; to fulfill all her dreams; to love her even when she had wrinkles; to treat her like a kid; to let her dance and dance with her; to enjoy eating with her; to take her back to her parents when she wanted.. To let her do what she wanted to; to embrace her; to treat her like queen …

All of them floated in front of her eyes... She could see her dream coming true. As she walked down the aisle; she saw papa waiving at her; mumma smiling and bhai carrying the sheet of flowers over her head. She knew they were happy and that she was going to her home.

She looked at him again and now confidently walked towards him. His eyes pulled her towards him; into the new world. As she reached the dais; he offered her hand to help her on stage.

As soon as she held his hand; all her fears were gone… She wanted to marry him and she knew she had lost nothing…

Her journey had just begun J