Quarter Life Crisis

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quarter-life_crisis

Of late I have been wondering; what I am going through and then I stumble upon a phrase that remarkably defines my state of mind. Quarter Life Crisis.

In my late twenties; I really don't know how to look at my life. It has certainly not turned out the way I wanted it to be or has it? I am confused.

The Goods that have happened :
- Books, Studies, Gaining Knowledge, Learning, Growing, Evolving
- Taking up the challenges , fighting the fears that have haunted me the most
- To Love and To Be Loved Back
- To be married

I have come this far and these were the most and the only important things in my life and when I achieved all of it I realized Life is much more beyond that... Life is uncertain, unpredictable and very testing.

I was evolving as a person but then all of a sudden it stopped. FULL STOP. I am no longer interested in new things, I don't want to read/ write beyond my comfort zone, I no longer have the patience and neither the time to sit back and dream, think, analyse, wonder and cherish those small lil tini-wini things.

Fighting my fears have made me skeptical of everyone and everything around me. I have become superstitious, scared and a kind of nervous wreck. I think negative and attract it all around me. I stutter, dare not think beyond, try not to be different, talk minimal, and suddenly I have stopped having an opinion of my own.
I was a person who was cautious but never frightened, worried but never stressed, shy but not nervous. The one who had her own opinion, who knew of her likes and dislikes. I would ask for suggestions but was always confident of choices I made. I lived my life so as to never have regrets. I was an average girl who thought she was different - and that made all the difference.

I loved to read, sit back, relax, stretch and laze around, yawn with my mouth wide open and never concerned of who would be thinking about me. I never cared if I'll be judged; opinions never mattered to me. What mattered was what I thought about myself.

And here I am in the clutches of my own fears, fear of being judged, fear of not being myself, fear of having stopped dreaming, fear of not being able to think; of not being able to decide. Making a simple phone call to a friend sends me in analysis spree whether they would be busy, if at all they wish to talk and bleh . . .

I don't know if I want a career for which I have worked so hard, I am unsure if I want to start my family even though I always thought I loved rearing my kids. I don't know if I prefer cooking to reading; dancing to eating. I have never been so unsure of myself . . .

I want to have more dreams, I want to be able to decide,  I want to laugh out loud , to dance in the rain ... to be proud , to be lovely.
I don't wish to be perfect, I wish to be clumsy un-lady like... I want to write.... read a lot, earn respect and money. I want to travel the world ; eat like an elephant , try different things and end this state of mind I am in.