Marriage (also called matrimony or wedlock) is a social union or legal contract between people called spouses that creates kinship. (Ref: Marriage).
Sounds so simple! Eh!!
I am married for more than a year and everyday I get to learn something new which makes me unlearn what I had learnt so far ...Duh!!
As they say in India, Marriage is not between two people but between two families; a coming together and union of a set of people who wish that you grow in this institution and spend the rest of your joys and sorrows with each other.
Pretty Big Stuff ;)
Why is marriage important to me... I had always, like forever; dreamed to be married. I always imagined my life to be a woman juggling between responsibilities ; waiting for my husband to come back in the evening; making tea and enjoying supper with him and going for a stroll... holding hands. I have dreamed of my li'l ones running around and a home full of giggles and jumping on their dad when he is home... Awwwwwwwww
Well! I have some of it turned to reality and maybe gradually everything will converge to what I once dreamed since I started dreaming :)
But over my tenure of being married I realized; REALITY is totally different than dreams. Its awesomely beautiful and awfully absurd at the same time and its making me understand myself and Him better. Like :
1. They say its important to have common goals in life for two people to get married : But how do you decide common goals.
eg I keep changing my goals every year .... mmm month would be more precise ;) and He seldom changes them :D
One day I want to work; the other day I want to laze around. And he always wants to Work! Even on weekends he would ask everyone in the family "koi kaam hai to batao mei kar deta hoon" and I am the one saying "chutti wala din hai sojate hain; breakfast ki jagah seedha brunch karenge". And I am the one sitting at home all the time :D
I postpone tasks and he sets reminders to finish everything on time . :(
He is sure of what he wants in life and I keep on saying mmm,ummmm
Wait a second; its not that he is wiser and hence has goals in life and I am stupider ... but I change frequently ; subtle changes based on impulse and he changes over a period of time and the changes are more tangible based on experiences.
Basically; I have come to conclude : You can look for small little common things like both like to travel ; the places of interest might not be the same. Sometime its his choice and other days its my-way. But its difficult to find a person with similar common goals and ideas of life.
With our experiences past or present we keep changing and our ideas of life keep on evolving. Fate hasn't written everyone's destiny to be same than why look for some-one with same goals/ideas. If you have a basic liking and you can stand each other with their not so great ideas than its still OK to be together. Maybe one day you'll start thinking like them or they'll be like you or maybe you both will change.
Maybe we met in those times when our "goals" were same and bingo we fell for each other and now we have changed ;)
Only thing important is to have mutual respect for each other's views and support their dreams all the time; whether you agree with it or not :)
2. Marriage is the union of two families and you have to love their family with all your heart.
I know I am barging in a risky territory. But its even difficult to love your beloved with all your heart how can you do that with entire set of families.
There are certain things I don't like about my dad and certain things my mum doesn't do right. My brother is not always at his pleasing best and forget them I can be one cranky person when I am not in the "mood" and yes there will be things that you'll find strange when you interact with your new family.So how can I expect him to love them as I love my family; and LOVE naturally doesn't happen at first sight in case of families.
They might eat different things; may have different customs and different ideas as a set of family and again it comes from their life so far. And when you start finding things different you get scared. You know whatever they are they are for the reason but you also feel since I was not the part of that "reason" why should I do the same.
I haven't yet come to understand this aspect fully and I know things do take their own time but I have learnt one thing : If you have basic respect for everyone's feelings and vice-versa and if you know how to treat the other person right be it family or stranger one day you will be able to love with all your heart. Till then respect and care will do.
I have come to a point of care, respect and attachment (in that order). Free expression and Love will follow; I believe.
Its important to do whatever you do with genuineness and believe that things will fall in place.
P.S. I have learnt this from him so the credit goes to him; I am just trying :)
3. Marriage is of equals : If one person dominates the other wont be happy.
(I know there are abusive relationships and not all men/women are good. But I am talking my experience so pardon me the bad marriages examples. We'll have a separate post )
I think marriage is like a seesaw where both the sides are equals. Those people who understand and love each other ; no matter what their basic nature is; will never try to dominate or manipulate their partner. There will be times where he will win some arguments and at other times I will but what are we fighting for ? We are not fighting for property or money. We are fighting for each other to understand us better.
Sometimes we do take each other for granted; sometimes we are just too tired to understand and sometimes we just fail to comprehend and hence differences. Equality is that both understand that other has a point; I hate that point and I might never ever agree to it but I have to listen.
A marriage is not where only a man rules or a woman decides. They both rule; they both decide. You like non-veg and I am vegetarian. Lets go to a restaurant and enjoy both. I dont yuck at what you eat; you dont force me to try it. Maybe one fine day out of willingness I'll try your choice but right now lets enjoy each other's company.
Want to buy a car; I am clueless about model you decide; and I decide to get the color.
Its not that we both decide always; sometimes you have more knowledge than me; I just have to believe you and the other times you just leave it to me :)
I think its important to discuss; every time opinions will not be the same but when we have to make major decisions in life we can consult each other and make the right choices. It could be yours, mine or some mid way but once its decided its "OURS"
4. Marriage makes you forget yourself.
It does bring changes and these changes could change you as a person altogether. But how can you be sure that it is marriage that changed you and had you been not married you would have been the same.
I was a very chirpy person; but today I am quiet woman. It doesn't mean I am not happy or forgotten myself. It simply means I talk my share with my husband and I get tired of non-stop chatting and I have nothing more to say. I am at peace with myself. I can load him with all my wise thoughts and weird dreams and then I doze off :D with him scratching his head ;) I just don't feel the need to talk to everyone.
I used to write blog posts; I used to work; I used to meet friends.
I have started writing now ... see I haven forgotten myself. I just got busy with life and understanding new family; these days my mind is free and words are flowing.
I dint like the work I did and I was not able to juggle between family responsibilities and work. I thought I would be too tired to do justice to the two. I chose my life over work and today I am working part time and enjoying the work I do. My situations have changed me; marriage was just a catalyst.
I used to meet friends : Hey! I still attend their weddings ; I still try to catch up on phone and emails and chats. But life is beyond meeting friends. It has become tough; I have to care for "OUR" parents and whenever I can I do take out time to plan out with friends.
Almost all are married/getting married sometimes it doesn't suit them and sometimes it doesn't suit me. It doesn't mean I have forgotten what they meant to me and the great times we had. I constantly talk to my family about the life I had. I miss it but I don't regret missing it. I chose marriage over my past.
Marriage doesn't make you forget yourself; it brings changes that are important for you to move on in life and one day you will agree that these changes were important.
5. There are a lot of adjustments in marriage and its the girl who has to adjust.
Yes! things are difficult for the girl because she is uprooted. I know uprooted is a negative word. She has to move to a life full of uncertainties; unlearn what she has learnt so far; leave her comfort zone behind. Its a very challenging thing for a woman but that's how it works. The girl has to adjust to new circumstances; new ways of cooking food (or rather learn cooking - cz we girls today don't learn to cook in our maternal homes) ; learn a different set of traditions and customs. We have to stop reminding ourselves that "mere ghar mei to aisa hota tha" If we keep of thinking like that our life is a mess.
These things are not bad; yes a little stressful. Since we are educated we tend to question everything around us but our very sense of being educated makes us illiterate sometimes. I mean why question everything around you? Sometimes you used to blindly believe what your mother used to say; so why not do the same here. Sometimes in our own grumpiness we tend to forget that we are belittling a set of rules the other family has set. I dint agree to it earlier but I have started to at least understand what my FIL says "there is order in every family and it has to be maintained". When I go to my maternal home I eat at their time; cook according to their needs; wake up and talk the way they do. Basically I am following their order so why defy the order of my own home ?
Yes! there are certain things that leave me stumped and bewildered and I don't think I'll ever agree to doing them but I have understood that if everyone else is doing the same thing; to be a part of family I have to fall-in-line. Else I will always seem to be the adopted one and never be able to make this house; home.
And you know what; families do change people do change once you show them you are trying to adjust. I never thought I'll be writing this but yes I am noticing there is more acceptance to my views and beliefs now. Earlier there was acceptance because they wanted me to be comfortable but today it comes naturally. Earlier they would give me gifts that they thought were good for me; today they buy me things which they know I will like :)
THANKS :)
Remember; if there are adjustments from you they are also accommodating an entirely new person in their family. They have changed the way they sit; the kind of cooking style they were used to... if this has come the rest will soon follow.
Have I forgotten the boy :) Maybe he doesn't have to adjust initially but gradually with every changing minute; with every little demand of his wife; with her every changing expression he is changing. He is dying to make his wife as comfortable with his family and him and he also wants to ensure the changes brought in by his wife aren't too drastic for them to handle. He has no-one to go to when none of the sides to agree.
Mrs Wife, Mr. Husband and The Families all have to adjust to change in order to be a happy unit.
6. LOVE is the basis of all marriages.
I first fell in Love with him before getting married to him. My mother din't love my father before she got married to him and I am sure my MIL too was scared to get married to a stranger.
But what I do for my husband is in no-way comparable to what my mumma does for papa or what MIL does for FIL. Our mothers never stayed for night in their maternal homes. It was very rare and none of my papa are such that they would stop them. They might show that don't like it but which husband likes his wife to be away even for a day? My husband; himself drops me home but I know he would prefer me to be with him. So do I. I am excited to go home and even more excited to be with him :D But still I go but our mothers dint. Out of LOVE; which was not there in first place.
I plan out my work; walk according to my husband's timings but our mothers would never plan. They would ensure all order in home and if there was some time left before the husband came home they would get themselves in order so as not to look tired. See! You cant do it everyday; if you don't love your husband.
The wives always protect their husbands and shield them; the husbands always bring gifts for their wives; ask if they have eaten food and crack a joke at them to see them smile. The love is unsaid but its always there.
If you have fallen in Love and married him LOVE grows stronger and if yours match has been arranged LOVE just evolves.
LOVE is the basis of all happy marriages.
7. TRUST is the foundation.
Trust doesnt mean telling them everything. It simply means believing that they are thinking about you all the time and always trying to do something to make you happy. You just got to have faith whatever He decides; he'll place your interests before his. You have to know (by default) that She has focused her life on you and she will not leave any stone unturned to make you happy.
Trust means to be able to say you did something wrong and still knowing they wont leave you. It also means if you haven't told them something they will still believe there was some reason behind it. It doesn't mean hiding or planning it just means that I could handle it myself better so I dint let you know. I wanted to shield you from it :)
If there is TRUST between us LOVE shall prevail.
8. Marriage makes life easier.
I so want to hit the person who said that. grrrrrrrrrrrr
It does not. Yes now you have 2 reasons to celebrate; his birthday and your birthday. Yes the happiness is doubled but so are sorrows.
Earlier; he just used to have his sorrows but now my sorrows are his :( His heart aches to see me unhappy. And he is damn frustrated if he cannot do anything about it.
I am constantly on the edge to watch his health, his tiredness, his anger, his expectations from me and life. Its not easy. Or maybe I haven't still figured out.
Marriage requires a lot of hard work and effort. With someone by your side the responsibility is doubled; the only easy part is you have a punching bag on whom you can punch out all your frustration.
9. Marriage means happily ever after.
Marriage means bachchu life begins after this ;)
I mean in reality can there be a happily after. NO! There will be ups and downs in life and so will be in marriage. In difficult situations in LIFE we strengthen our belief in GOD and so in tough situation in marriages we have to keep faith in our spouse that He will make things easy.
He wont promise happiness always! For God He is a mere mortal but whatever he'll do ; in all his deeds he will try to make you smile and that's what Happily Ever After means :)
10. Marriage completes you as a person.
BULLSHIT!
You have two eyes; brain; all limbs and a heart and you are a complete person in all your beliefs and values. Marriage complements the views you dont have and supplements you with thoughts you dont think. It gives you perspective from other's point of view.
I mean as I child it always used to be my-way or high-way but as a spouse we both find the way :)
Marriage brings to you the reality that as in marriage you cant always have your wishes complete so in life. You learn to adjust; you learn to agree; you learn to tolerate and you learn to vocalize your share of worries and dreams and hence the circle comes round and your life is complete.
This is what I have learnt about marriage and whats in it for me.
and yes I am happily(with all my share of difficulties and tragedies) married to an imperfect partner who tries to make life perfect for me.
